How To Party Like A Mother: Archive

2 tags

For a second I forgot where my boyfriend went.

Then I remembered that he went to his house to get his flat iron for me because I don’t have one.

Jun 1st

1 note

6 tags

Jun 1st

3 notes

3 tags

May 27th

2 notes

Please stop buying my children ugly t-shirts...

Thanks, M. F. E. Vilmenay

May 19th

1 note

1 tag

May 18th

2 notes

4 tags

Too $hort

I’m going to Oakland tonight. I’m going to make sure everyone there knows that I’m more street than they are and I’m probably going to take an Ativan just in case there are riots or Dave Chappelle randomly shows up like he (according to East Bay comedians) did last week. I’m skeptical. Oakland is known for being a city full of liars. Right? When I think Oakland the...

May 17th

1 note

3 tags

Insomnia

I can’t sleep so I’m watching my boyfriend sleep. He just started shaking his head back and forth like he’s arguing with someone. Okay, now he’s moving his mouth like he’s talking and chewing gum but he’s just making weird breathing sounds. He’s probably having a sex dream about me. I can’t wait to ask him in the morning!

May 17th

1 note

May 16th

3 notes

4 tags

Both of my children have the flu.

Vera: Mommy! I puked yesterday. Daddy said I have a flu.

Me: I almost puked yesterday too but it was because of something called beer. You're sick because you attend school with some dirty, disease-ridden beasts.

May 13th

8 notes

Let me tell you about last night.

First of all, does anyone have a video of the show ? I usually tape my sets but last night I didn’t, I blame my boyfriend. Because let me tell you what happened. I drank this many beers and proceeded to drunkenly get through my set. Normally I would try to record a set where I’m going to drink and read some notes but I wasn’t planning on doing that. Who plans on getting...

May 11th

6 notes

4 tags