Is there a regular place we can catch your act? I'm all on board with the Mimi brand but it's kind of bullshit to have to wait until September.
First off, thank you for making me feel so cool and important. This question was a great antidote for my usual self-loathing.
I have a question for you now. Do you REALLY want to watch me awkwardly read from my notebook of jokes-in-progress where the punchlines make everyone cringe, including myself?
If the answer is yes than I’m at the Brainwash or the Stud on Wednesdays (both decently entertaining open mics) or sometimes the Impala in North Beach on Fridays*. You really should just come to the Purple Onion show, bring a crew. Or, come to NY next week. It’s completely up to you.
*I won’t be doing anything in SF until after Sept. 3rd.
My ex-husband reads my blog and twitter feed and then txts me to tell me I’m an embarrassment and that I sound like a dumb whore. He then goes on to say that I’m a terrible mother and that no one is ever going to want to read anything I ever write.
So I’ll write about him, maybe that will be an interesting and worthwhile read!
My ex-husband looks great on paper. I would go as far as calling him a trophy husband. He’s attractive, has a great job as a molecular biologist (Science!), and is able to make a few people laugh every now and again. How many women say they want a guy who is driven, has a sense of humor, and looks like Justin Timberlake? He would appear to be all of those things but really he’s just a gigantic ball of hate and furious anger.
Here’s why I left my husband!
1. He completely ignored me. He’d come home from work, turn the TV on and practically pretend I didn’t exist. I still stand by my original theory that he didn’t really like me.
2. He refused to communicate. I would try to talk to him when I was having an issue with our relationship. His answer was always “not now”. When I told him I wanted to leave even then he still wouldn’t go to couples counseling. A few months ago we decided to go to counseling in order to start the start divorce proceedings, THREE YEARS after I originally suggested it. Up until last week he was still holding onto the idea that we might be able to work things out. NOT IN A MILLION YEARS ASSHOLE! YOU HEAR ME! I KNOW YOU READ THIS BLOG! I HOPE YOU DIE!
3. I can’t think of a third reason right now but when he starts reading my twitter feed again I’m sure I’ll think of one.
Dudes from all over the internet keep sending me love letters that start with, “Okay, so I’ve never done this before. I think you’re really pretty and funny and I want to take you out for drinks/hump your face/etc”. I always wind up saying saying, “Oh jeez, thanks so much. Unfortunately I have a boyfriend that I’m super into at the moment, but I’ll call you when I get bored with him”.
Seems like a fucked up thing to say, I know. However, the boyfriend in question recently told me I shouldn’t talk about having a boyfriend on the internet. He said if I seem available it makes me more interesting. I think he’s trying to break up with me, which is actually okay. I’m going to just go with it. The only reason I’m okay with this is I recently found out that Win Butler from Arcade Fire is really tall. Like, super tall. I am going after him and I think I have a chance, here’s why. His wife is Haitian. So am I! She has dark brown, curly hair; so do I! She is an amazing musician. I once sang in a really bad electro-pop band! Win Butler leaving his wife for me really isn’t that big of a deal. Musicians cheat and leave their spouses all the time. I know this because I was in a bad electro-pop band once.