Took the kids to see Ramona and Beezus. We cried like a couple of sissy-ass bitches. If I were telling Kaseem Bentley this story he’d say, “Aww, nigga don’t tell me that shit!” Kaseem is black and thinks I’m a pansy for crying at the Pursuit of Happyness. Also, I highly recommend his blog, Sex Talk With Kaseem. He is a producer of true gems.
I have two children. They are nine and four. Last month my nine-year-old asked me why none of my relationships with men ever work out and yesterday the four-year-old told me, “I like Daddy more than I like you because he looks better than you. I only like you a little bit because you’re kind of pretty. Just kind of.” Now, when she says this in her four year old drawl it’s way cuter. To get the full effect replace the L’s with W’s and completely ignore all T sounds.
I have half of an ex-husband. I say half because we’re not legally divorced. Yet.
I live with my closest childhood friend, his amazing girlfriend, their two tiny dogs and another friend of ours. For the sake of a readable storyline we’re going to call them Jake, Ally, and Dan. During dinner a few nights ago I was telling Jake that I used to cook for the ex-husband all the time when we were happily married. Jake said, “Yeah, now you’re getting divorced. Way to go.”
I had to point out that now I live with him and his girlfriend. She cooks for me all the time while I run jokes by Jake and Dan. Dan usually says, “That would be funnier if we smoked this spliff” and then everyone congregates on the back deck (see photo below). Dinner never gets burned, no one ever yells, and I pick up the kids the next morning fully rested.
dude recommend this blog is funny u know it!
Now why the hell would I go and do a thing like that? They might as well call that blog fuckyeahblahblahblah.
Someday I will get into a drinking competition with Gavin McInnes and my jokes will be funnier than his and he’ll let me punch him in the eye. I know how he is. That’s how I’m going to beat him at his own game.
Alright, I went out this weekend for the first time since…….March. Actually, I went to San Jose a few weeks ago to some idiot bar by the name of Trials but that shit shouldn’t count, because it was San Jose. For the out-of-towners, San Jose can best be described as California’s vagina. It’s a city full of retarded college students, and to be honest, it has a specific San Jose smell.
Getting to my point, I went to a show at Bender’s on Saturday and I somehow got it into my head that I should wear a lot of dark eye make-up. You know, to blend in. I asked my male counterpart how I looked after spending an hour meticulously applying copper powder onto my eyelids. Then black. Then brown. More copper, more black, copper, black, brown, black. And finally, I carefully stroked copious amounts of a tar-like substance onto my eyelashes.
When the Oaksterdam Goo wore off and the Ativan kicked in I was ready to leave the house and awkwardly venture to South Van Ness and 19th. After I asked for the third time if I looked okay my male counterpart stared deep into my eyes and said,
"You look really good."
Another minute of eye-gazing and he grabbed me by my shoulders and joyfully whispered,
I just saw your hipster baby video. That was unexpectedly hilarious. Those aren't questions. We didn't date, right?
Glad you thought the video was “unexpectedly hilarious”! (I personally don’t think there’s anything surprising about the hilarity of a four-year-old wearing a fake handle bar mustache, but I respect you.)
As for whether or not we dated, have you ever been approached by the state regarding court-ordered child support for a mustachioed 4-year old? If the answer is yes, than perhaps we have dated.
My parting words are that you should be nice to girls, if you aren’t already.
Nostalgia! My first stand-up show with Melanie O’Brien and the now defunct Abraham Linkin, March 31st at Bruno’s in the Mission District. The sound quality isn’t the best and I swear I didn’t edit in the laughter. It’s legitimate. Someone even made a flyer.
Should I quit my job and leave my girlfriend to move to San Francisco, hometown, to pursue the woman of my drives. She's kick ass: funny, brunette, boobs, some anxieties, and is a comedian?
Dear Minneapolis hipster,
How the fuck should I know if you should uproot your life in the midwest to pursue some vagina that may or may not even really exist? If SF was your hometown why did you leave, for Minneapolis, no less? This woman of your “drives” (what the fuck does that even mean?) sounds crazy in my humble opinion. You should never trust anxious women with large breasts and dark hair. Nothing. But. Trouble.
Also, it sounds like maybe your girlfriend is ugly and/or annoying. I don’t even know what state Minneapolis is in. I’m going to guess Minnesota. Sounds like a dump. Whatever you do, wash your hair and stop wearing ugly sweaters.
My Adventures in Dating video was featured on a blog and is making the internet rounds! (Watch it again! www.youtube.com/mimazing ) It got picked up by www.imboycrazy.com and has almost 3,000 views now. Super stoked! Four-year-old played the part of the Bay Area Hipster, this is the main reason it is getting such good feedback. The Bay Area Hipster was a part based loosely on some dude I had mediocre sex with over the last year. I wrote an entire joke about how he once paused Pineapple Express while he was inside of me. Because God forbid he miss 4 minutes of the dramatic genius that is Seth Rogen and James Franco.
Anyway. Let’s get back to me being a hypocrite. I have this new guy friend and he has a tattoo of a backpacking bear on his forearm, hearts on his wrists, and some children engaging in a snowball fight on his left bicep. He just moved to Austin for the summer to record music, be in bands, and drink a lot of beer. Half of his t-shirts come from American Apparel. Don’t get the wrong idea! He is NOT a hipster. His jeans aren’t skinny. They’re snug. He’s obsessed with the Gin Blossoms. That is not cool. In anyway. He sends me love emails that say stuff like, “other girls are dwarfs to your Snow White.” Sidenote: I used to work as a Disney Princess for kiddie birthday parties. We’ll talk about that at a later date.
So anyway, I was saying; guy friend is a lamb in hipster clothing. The second he starts in with the art of being cool (as seen in Vice Magazine and other internet publications that I don’t know about) is the second that I tell him “blah blah blah” and slap him across the face.
I don’t have time for your insecurity, mine is enough to blanket both of us. If I wasn’t smitten with Bearer of Bear Tattoo I would tell him if I’m going to date a guy with tattoos they’d better be because he was in prison. Don’t come at me with that narcissistic, exhibitionist shit. (I have tattoos too, but they’re for me! Not you!)