Don't Know Much About History
I decided to precariously hang an old Sony Hi8 HandyCam from a hook in my bedroom. It’s not exactly sturdy and it’s over my desk. I figured if it falls on my head while I’m working maybe I’ll think of something amazing. You know, like that one guy that had the apple fall on his head. I went to my housemates to say, “Who was that guy? You know, the one that invented...
Talkin' bout boobs.
My housemate just said to me (as I juggled three bowls of various vegan treats into the dining room), “If you drop your food you should eat it out of your boobs like a body shot. Then you could like, have salad running down your leg.” Since I’m a comedian he thinks that he is too. (Only his ideas are “more like, visual” so he says). To my stoner housemate I feel like he has unfortunately been...
Crazy pills are dick magnets. Etc.
So, uh, I’m not sure really how to start this other than just stating that I am literally crazy. Like, clinically nuts. Bipolar, manic-depressive, what have you. No big deal, I take crazy pills when I feel like it. And, it’s loads of fun. LOADS. Here’s why. Men love crazy bitches. I have reached a point in my life where I’ve realized it’s in my best interest to just let dudes know straight up, “Oh...
Yeah Cory, We all know I'm a mom.
My friend Cory txtd me to see what I was up to so naturally I told him I was smoking drugs with my smelly housemate. (This is REALLY what I do on Saturday nights.) So, I told Cor I was listening to Gnarls Barkley remixes with ol’ Smelly. Cory then said….. Cory: That’s soccer mom music. Me: Oh I know. I’m wearing loungey sweatpants from old navy and a hoodie and my hair...
Midwestern Tourists Hate Me and other things
Surprise, surprise! Under educated and unappreciative patrons of tacky seafood restaurants on Fisherman’s Wharf don’t want to hear me talk about how I spent my day getting high and rearranging all of the furniture in my house. The midwesterners didn’t want to hear about how excited I was to walk past the Boudin Bread Museum on my way to said tacky seafood restaurant/comedy club....
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