So lately a bunch of Christian teenagers began following this blog (THIS blog that’s made of pure love and unabashed shit talking). Last week someone referred to me as San Francisco’s Queen of depravity. I feel honored, really. I also want a fucking crown that reads “abortions rule” in rhinestones. Anyway.
Good Christians, read this blog. Follow my advice. Soon you’ll start eating birth control pills by the handful and Jesus will just be the name of the dude that mows your parents lawn. Also, dinosaurs are real and this planet is REALLY old. And! There’s no way Mary was a virgin. I tried to play that card. No one was believing it. Not even my gold chain wearing gynecologist. (Christians, that’s a Dr. of vaginas.)
I was driving home with my friends, one of whom we will call “Bunny” and we were discussing comedy competitions and why would anyone do that to themselves.
ANYWAY. The conversation strayed to Bunny and her husband’s sex-life while we were getting In N Out. She mentioned that getting her vagina slapped helped calm her down. Somehow we went from sex to Ativan, back to vaginas.
I told her that was the weirdest shit I had ever heard in my life and what kind of fucked up person would want that? She also mentioned that she had an orgasm when she got her nipples pierced. She’s one of those.
After I called her a freak her husband looked at me and said, “You do stand-up comedy. What are you talking about?”